What a Vasectomy Feels Like

Vasectomy is a safe, simple and effective way to permanently prevent pregnancies without any side effects. It’s also one of the best ways for men to ensure they are not passing on their unwanted genes through unplanned kids with partners who may be less than thrilled about the idea. What does it feel like?

The “does a vasectomy lower testosterone” is a question that I am asked more often than any other. The answer is no, it does not.

Note from the editor: This is a guest post from an author who wishes to remain anonymous.

It’ll feel like you’re ferreting about.

Not that you’ve ever walked around on your hind legs like a ferret. However, you’ve heard whispers of a bizarre barbarian pastime practiced by ancient English coal miners.

Two wild and ferocious weasel-like animals—carnivores with fangs as sharp as piranhas—are placed down your trouser legs, which are fastened at the bottom, in ferret-legging. You tighten your belt around your waist and remain motionless for as long as you can as the creatures within unleash a hellish fury.

In ferret-legging, no underwear is permitted. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Contestants argue that the whiter the trousers, the better, since viewers will be able to see the blood.

In an interview with Outside magazine, ferret-legging champion Reg Mellor declared, “Aye, the ferrets gotta have a complete mouth ‘o teeth.” “There will be no filing or trimming of the teeth.” You must also be sober. “I’ve got ’em hanging around my tool for hours,” says the narrator.

You’ll soon discover that this is how a vasectomy really feels, and what follows in this essay is one of the few confessions of truth you’ll ever hear.

How do you know for sure? Because if other guys revealed the truth, none of the 500,000+ men who choose to get this treatment each year would ever go through with it.

Experiment with this. See what a friend who has had the snip has to say. He’ll probably straighten up like John Wayne and shrug casually:

With a nervous swagger, he’ll say, “It was about as bad as going to the dentist to have a tooth filled.” “I’m not sure what the hoopla is about.” After that, I drove myself home. Later that afternoon, I went on a 10-mile jog. “And that night, I had sex with my wife five times,” he’ll say without looking you in the eyes.

As a guy, you have a tendency to downplay your expressions of sorrow. That makes it feel more manly. Is it, however, genuinely beneficial to anybody seeking assistance if you do so?

Aside from this piece, the closest thing you’ll ever get to the truth will come from an unusual source. Maybe from the person who comes to repair your water heater. You’ll stand in your garage talking about motorbikes and football before telling each other how many kids you have and the topic is broached. He’ll be a levelheaded fellow, muscle-bound, bearded, and brawny, and you’ll stand there talking about motorbikes and football before telling each other how many kids you have and the topic is broached.

“Getting a vasectomy was certainly the most terrible experience of my life,” he’ll murmur as he casts a flinty glare your way.

Sure, you can do some research on the internet and acquire a lot of hard clinical facts. This is how it’s done. What area of the body is being harmed. You must be quite positive that you want it done, since it is extremely difficult to reverse the treatment later.

Where else except the Art of Manliness can you find a straight-shooting brotherhood that will really walk beside you on this voyage of unease?

 

Here’s how it’ll play out:

You may get a tinge of sorrow before the event—a natural feeling that you must work through. Something will be done to your body that is permanent and irrevocable, something that will record the passage of time. You will no longer be in the child-bearing stage of life. You will no longer be a young and prolific buck.

What helps is to think about how you’re doing it for the benefit of your wife, whom you adore. She has had to bear the brunt of the physical difficulties associated with having children up to this time. It’s now your opportunity to make a statement for the squad.

When you lay on your back on a gurney in your doctor’s office on the day of your surgery, you’ll be reminded of your nobility. From the waist down, you will be naked.

They’ll swab you with that cold, colorful liquid that sanitizes everything, then tape your John Thomas upward with a length of adhesive tape to keep it out of the way. They’ll also curtain off your baggage top and bottom so only the crucial things show.

You’ll be shaved and hairless around Manchester, like a newborn bunny.

Then the needles arrive. These will be felt. The left side comes first. Then there’s the right. It’s possible that there are more needles than two. You won’t be looking, and it’ll be impossible to detect the precise amount after you’re numb. Your groin will go numb as the numbing substance spreads throughout your body.

The excellent doctor will next continually reach for and grasp the part of your body that you have traditionally guarded. You’ll have to battle the impulse to cringe on a regular basis. You’ll be brought back to fourth grade, when a dodge ball was thrown directly at your privates and smacked you.

Throughout it all, you’ll remain awake. If you desire, you can be sedated. You will make the decision to be a man.

Throughout the operation, you will be unusually talkative, and the doctor and you will have a running conversation. That will make the whole environment seem lighter. He’ll tell you about much of what he’s doing, and you’ll chat about family planning in general and why a Honda minivan is better than a Chrysler or Dodge.

The doctor will locate the tubes, also known as the vas deferens, which link the testes to the urethra, and will isolate each one to ensure a clean cut. These tubes will seem outside the body to be thin, white, and floppy spaghetti noodles.

You’ll know because he’ll show you the two parts he removed when the treatment is finished. Each segment will be the breadth of an index finger. He’ll send little samples to the lab “simply to make sure we received the appropriate tubes,” he’ll explain. This is not a comforting concept for you.

He’ll probably cauterize each hanging end when he cuts the tubes. The cauterizing will produce a sizzling as well as a strong odor. It won’t be smokey like a grill, but rather tangy and perplexing. It’ll smell like a burning something you’ve never smelled before. Yes, you will understand. It’s just me down there on fire.

 

He’ll probably put two microscopic titanium clamps on either end of each severed tube after cauterizing. He’ll first show you a clamp, which are rather prevalent these days and provide still another degree of security. Each clamp is roughly the size of a grain of rice, but it is skinnier, and it stays within a man for the rest of his life. He claims they will show up on X-rays but will not trigger off airport metal detectors.

You won’t enjoy the concept of metal bits being stuck inside of you for the rest of your life, but you’ll be OK with these clamps. The whole aim of a vasectomy is to ensure that the job is done correctly. You’re looking for efficiency. You’re looking for cauterization. Inside your avocado, you’ll want titanium clamps.

“It’s because with a vasectomy, 100 percent efficacy isn’t often the case,” the doctor says, a little despondently. He’ll give you statistics that you won’t remember. However, you will recall the overall lack of assurance. You will not be satisfied with this lack of certainty, but you will remain silent. You won’t be able to make a fuss with your trousers off and your genitals blazing.

After that, there will be no sutures. The slack skin will naturally tighten.

There will also be no bandages. Only a wad of gauze, kept in place by the tighty-whities you’ll be wearing on your way out. There will be no boxers worn. There will be no boxers.

After then, it’ll be done.

A list of dos and don’ts will be presented to you. For the next ten days, no hard lifting. For at least three days, there will be no significant movement. You’ll be handed Vicodin and Ibuprofen prescriptions and escorted out the door.

You’ll say something like, “Thank you, doctor; you’re a kind guy,” and you’ll be eager to shake his hand. However, given where his hands have recently been, this will seem wrong.

Your wife will take you home, and you will be relieved that you are not driving. You will shut your eyes and relax in your automobile seat. They claim that having this surgery done on a Friday afternoon is beneficial. That way, you can spend the whole weekend lying around watching every Clint Eastwood film ever filmed.

Sure, you’ll get up and go about at home. You’ll have the ability to move about. However, you won’t be going for any 10-mile runs anytime soon. You may return to work on Monday, but it will take a few days, if not weeks, for you to feel completely recovered down there.

You’ll stumble upstairs to your bedroom after the treatment, lay down, and contact your closest buddy from high school who has previously had this procedure done.

“I received my bag of peanuts,” the subject line will say.

You’ll quip one line within the email. “In fact, I have a bag of peas on my nuts.”

Both you and him will be aware of the reality. On this most delicate region, every guy will prefer a frozen and bendable bag of veggies.

 

Even the liars aren’t immune.

Let us know if you have a vasectomy tale. We understand your anguish.

 

 

The “can a vasectomy be reversed” is an interesting question that I think many people have been wondering. The answer to the question is yes, but it will take time and patience.

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