Being the host in social situations is key to meeting new people, making friends and finding love! Follow these strategies for every type of social situation.
Social Briefings are bi-monthly dispatches that provide actionable advice on how to enhance your social abilities. More about their raison d’être may be found here.
We’ve been creating the groundwork for charm in these initial Social Briefings, which is required for more practical social habits to be successful.
We mentioned in the previous briefing how when you help someone feel good about themselves, they frequently transfer those feelings onto you and feel good about you as well.
But how can you get people to feel good about themselves?
By serving as the host and giving them four social gifts.
As a Perennial Host, you
When we meet new individuals, we usually see the experience as a meeting of two strangers who are “guests” together.
However, it helps to think of yourself as the host in every setting if you want to be a captivating socializer. Regardless of who invited whom out or made the initial move, or if you’re a legitimate visitor in someone else’s home. You embrace the host attitude at all times, in all locations, and in all situations.
While you consider yourself to be a perpetual host, your primary goal is to make others feel comfortable and “at home” (even when you’re out and about). Your demeanor and conduct exhorts others to “put up their feet and rest,” and you strive to make everyone you encounter feel as at ease and cared for as possible.
As the host, you take the initiative in starting conversations and taking them up when they fall flat. You make sure the other person is having a nice time and endeavor to address their requirements in a “hospitable” manner.
You’re a socially giving person who brings gifts to every interaction to address their requirements.
4 Social Gifts for You
What precisely makes someone appealing, appealing, charming, or magnetic? While there are various acts that exhibit these attributes, what is actually being expressed underlying them all is this: I have something to contribute to your life.
While we may consider the mechanics of social interaction to be rather vague and ethereal, there is really a more logical calculation at work. Every connection is a luxury and a burden; friends and lovers will enrich your life, but they will also need your time, assistance, emotional — and occasionally even financial — support. As a result, people seek out those with whom the equation will be most beneficial – those with more social “benefits” than “costs.” They’re seeking for individuals who will add value to their lives and are turned off by those who seem to take more than they offer.
This “social exchange’s” “economics” may seem cold and calculated, but that’s human nature, yours and mine.
This is why you get thrilled when you meet someone who shares your passion for religion or when you meet a possible weightlifting partner who you believe will help you achieve your objectives. Why, on the other hand, do you want to retreat slowly towards the door when you meet someone who is extremely dull or speaks nonstop about all the “trouble” in their life?
Knowing that people are looking for supportive allies and want to connect with people who will enrich their lives rather than burden them, it’s easy to see why being socially generous — demonstrating that you’re the type of person who can give more, or at least as much, as you take — is so important.
You do this by providing what the authors of First Impressions recommend: Your four “social talents,” as described in What You Don’t Know About How Others See You. These gifts meet people’s basic, universal needs, alter their perceptions of themselves (and hence of you), and are divided into four categories:
- Recognizing, acknowledging, and applauding a person’s excellent characteristics is what appreciation is all about. Compliments.
- Finding locations where your life intersects with someone else’s is what connection is all about. Realizing you attended the same high school, like the same music, have a common acquaintance, like the same restaurant, enjoy the same pastime, believe in the same things, and so on. Persons prefer people that are similar to them!
- Lifting someone’s spirits, making them laugh, putting them in a good mood, or exposing them to a pleasant new pastime are all examples of elevation.
- Presenting individuals with new, exciting knowledge, ideas, and viewpoints is referred to as enlightenment. These snippets don’t have to be weighty, political, or intellectual; they may be entertaining trivia or breaking news – anything that entertains and educates.
One or two of these four social gifts are probably more your strong suit – offering them comes more readily to you. That’s excellent, but remember that relying too much on one present will always be off-putting; if utilized excessively, a gift may become a burden, shifting from a social benefit to a social cost. Someone who makes jokes all the time without pausing for meaningful conversation, or who “lectures” the other person incessantly with all the “interesting” knowledge they know isn’t likely to make a good impression. Giving all four social gifts in a balanced manner results in charisma.
Remember that you don’t have to tell someone everything the first time you meet them. Instead, present your social offerings as an intriguing sampling platter that will entice them to come back for more.
When you give, you will get.
It’s lovely to go through life as a “host” — bringing people in from the cold, physically and figuratively, and providing them with the warmth of true acknowledgment and uplift that they want — particularly in this society when everyone feels hyper-connected while yet feeling hyper-lonely.
It isn’t, however, simply altruistic.
The paradox of social generosity is that you obtain a return on your investment by providing others the social gifts they want.
First, by turning your attention away from yourself and onto the other person, you become less apprehensive and self-conscious, and you behave more confidently. Your best self has a chance to show when you forget about yourself.
Second, giving attention is the surest method to receive it. When you behave as though you’re interested in other people, you’ll attract their attention.
Finally, keep in mind that this “imbalance” won’t last; while it’s in your best interests to be socially generous at first, once you’ve established a relationship with someone, it will naturally evolve into something mutually satisfying; if it doesn’t, the other person isn’t someone you want to be in a relationship with! Of course, every now and then you’ll meet someone who strives to be as socially generous with you as you are with them from the start – in which case you’re in for a genuine treat. But that’s unusual, which is terrible in some respects but really advantageous for you, dear reader of these Social Briefings, since rarity makes you stand out even more!
The “art of manliness communication” is a blog post that offers advice on how to interact with other people. The article includes information on how to be the host in every social situation.
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